detox

from hustle to dream life

So I just quit my job.

Like I really just sent a message to my manager and went right to substack.

Here we are.

This must be what “post nut clarity” feels like because girl.

This shit is the most freeing thing ever.

As a child, I was notoriously known for going ghost on any and every employer once I realized it wasn’t a good fit for me. Most things were never a good fit for me because I knew I needed to always follow my heart and not a paycheck. That has always looked quite different than the traditional path and once I accepted that, I ran with my dreams in my heart and never looked back.

I remember this one gig was working as a dish washer across the street from my parents house. I lasted a week. I remember when I had a shift, my manager kept calling me and I blocked their number and drank my parents alcohol and smoking that og blue dream by this little sliver of a stream for the rest of the night. I needed to work with the elements. I guess the grains from the alcohol causing the fire in my heart to burn, the plants from the earth alchemizing into smoke, and having my feet dipped into the water was the closest thing at that time I got to living a life closer to my truth. It just needed a renunciation practice of wiping away the factors that were outdated. That was to come but one thing that was consistent was that each element was continuously alchemized, whether I was conscious of it or not.

This song came on during my walk yesterday and it hit me heavy when he said, “let it go let it go, girl this ain’t what you want and you know.” So that’s what I did. That’s the recipe, if it’s not what I want, it’s not happening.

I’ve never properly quit a job. My mind was racing but my body felt relaxed for the first time since I said yes to this position. Maybe the relaxation came from the deep cortisol release from the past 24 hours of crying in a state of freeze and looking for any and every sign that could lead me to get the balls to speak up for myself. Or more so, continue to speak up for myself and say no more to these burnt out, nervous system wrecked, energy depleted cycles that I continued to live in because that felt more comfortable than taking a god damn risk on myself.

Yesterday, I saw a robin for the first time in Canada. The robin in my world has always been my grandmother. Shortly after, I saw a beagle, which was my first dog. Her name was Shortstop but we called her Shorty. She was with me through a time of deep depletion of my needs as a child and seeing her spirit then was a reminder that we aren’t doing that anymore. And I have the choice to say so.

I have been deeply inspired, attracted to, and honored by the spirit of Cacao recently. I talked to her today, grandmother energy, in a deep trance, and I moved within the cosmic heart to make this decision.

This move feels pivotal. This move feels sacred. I am on my moon right now and speaking up for ourselves has a deeeeep connection to our womb space. Literally the vocal cords look like the vulva and the larynx looks like a uterus. I have never been someone to keep quiet, despite being reprimanded by adults as a child for using my voice but I didn’t always say things with my mf chest which spiraled all the way down to my connection with my womb. After going through a certification process of somatic womb work, a girl hasn’t shut up since.

I was born to create. I was born to be in this time and space to return to my feminine flow, not to continue to hustle it out and wreck havoc on my life. Today I realized the infinite that I am is the greatest gift to life. That goes for each and every one of us.

So here’s to standing up for our needs and not abandoning an inch of them because the chaos is more comfortable than the flow.

Here’s to jumping head first into the unknown, something that I live for, because why the hell not.

Here’s to a life that feels like ceremony to every inch of ourselves.

P.S. I have a dj lesson tomorrow after class. If you know me, you know I have been desiring to be a DJ since I was a child. I would make beats in my room, smoke my little spliff, and fall into a deep trance state. So here’s to a new unfolding of life.

xoxo

Thank you for subscribing to my heart and soul. My intention is to continue to share my thoughts, my stories, and my desires as a student of TCM, herbalist, yogi, and traveler through the parallels of life with you all.

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