exposure
to myself
I just did exposure therapy on myself.
I think I just got free from the chains I indiscreetly put around myself.
I think I just healed from the exposure therapy as a kid.
I think i’m flowing through the motions of what it is like to take up place and own it to the fullest.
I never liked to take up space. I shrunk myself so that I could hide behind the thoughts that were drying me out. I shrunk myself because I always had a loud laugh and would get yelled at or I cried too much or I spoke with such excitement that I needed to tone it down or I needed to shrink myself to fit into the cheerleading uniform as a kid. I shrunk myself because when there was a flicker of light that came from me, it burned everyone in their paths.
Not anymore.
When I was eleven and at the psych ward, battling myself, controlling myself, and casting spells on myself, the people in charge took the group to go shopping. A bunch of women with eating disorders to go shopping and said it was an activity called “exposure.” I don’t know who the fuck came up with that activity because it ate me alive. Ironic because my body was eating me alive as well. We were in Oakland in downtown Pittsburgh and I remember walking out in the bright sun with the group of girls that were “healthy” enough to go on a walk and everyone had their heads down knowing that this shit that we were about to walk into was about to rip open our wounds and place them in our own hands. Yet, for some reason on the walk over, I had the biggest smile on my face. I was talking to all the strangers on the street getting yelled at by those in charge of the group because I was connecting with humans outside of the psych ward but I didn’t give a fuck. I never did in those situations when I got to connect with strangers and be my goofy self. I liked that they were strangers and I wanted to keep it that way because anytime a stranger became a friend, I ran away before they could see me.
You can’t put me in a box and expect me to stay there though. Shit, that goes for all of us. Yet, I have been doing that to myself this entire time with these two instagram accounts that I have. I stayed in each box, playing the role of the duality that I encompass, and wondered why I felt trapped in my life. This was, on the microcosmic level, the feeling of being trapped in my current state of life but it was also the first step to freedom during a period of life that is full of sacrifices.
Anyway, we pulled up to Rue 21 of all places and when I walked in, I think that’s when the darkness hit me. Not because I’ve always been a little picky fashionista (partially true) but because I had to finally look at myself in the mirror. There were none in the psych ward. I was running away from all of them leading up to getting put into placement.
Yet, you can’t run from yourself, as much as you fucking try.
That day was the invitation to stop running. Today was also.
I started a second instagram which reflected who I am now with movement, teachings from the plants, and the teachings of my present program of TCM. My main instagram was something I have had since like middle school. It was me, it is me, for sure, nothing to hide but also wasn’t showing the fullest extent of the truth I live now. The second one was the other half, bigger half of me, and the main one was the bits and pieces that more of the world, or maybe my old world, knew of me. But today, for some damn reason, I was like fuck it, why are you afraid of being seen? What exactly are you afraid of for allowing yourself to show up, all the sides of you present, with nothing to hide. What happens when you merge the past and future selves together? These were the thoughts that were going through my mind as I kept wanting to post the other instagram on my main page, then deleting, then posting, then deleting, and I’m like okay its time to cut it out girl.
Exposure therapy is wild. This experience, which to the whole is nothing major but to the little girl inside that was so afraid of being seen came running up to me after I posted it telling me its not too late to take it down. It’s not too late to stay small. It’s not too late to erase your essence.
I grabbed her by her hand and looked her in her eyes. Eyes that had so much hope and despair twirling towards the cornea and held her.
I looked in the mirror today and gave it a hug and said a prayer.
Today I decided to be seen after hiding for the past 15 years.
xoxo
Actually the world needs MORE of Abby not less of her! 🗣️🤚🏽 Proud of you my sister. 🫂💗❣️ Shine bright, always!
So so proud of you! Take up all the space and own it